Stephy

Photo, christiancinema.com

 I wrote this article before watching the movie Letters to God and it greatly resonated with me and my circumstances. It is indeed a must see movie. When you feel lost, why not try writing a letter to God. 

Dear God,

Why do heartbreaks hurt so bad? At least when you are sick, you can take medicine and know that you will recover from your ailment. I know God that you are the medicine for the broken hearted, but it remains hard for me to convince myself that I will better. I want to be better now. One thing that I know God is that you are there and that you will heal me. You have done it before. I might not feel it right now but I know that you are never late and that you will never forsake me. Help me to be brave and courageous. Help me to take this day with stride and to give it my all. Show me favour in my work and meetings.

Please give me concentration and help me not to worry because you have taken charge. Give me the right words to speak and keep me going strong. You are my refuge and in the shadow of your wings I find rest. Let me soar like an eagle though my heart is weary. Walk with even when I feel like I’m walking alone. Thank you for all the angels you have sent to give me strength. Your foot soldiers who give me words of encouragement. Holy Spirit, thank you for all that I see and hear that gives me encouragement. Thank you for those moments when I feel God is talking to me. Lord thank you for all the people in my life that help me to draw closer to you. With a grateful heart, I give thanks to you God for you watch over me as your child and continue to show me your love.

AMEN. Glory be to God.

The last week, I have been reflecting on how much I have tried to block out my previous life. I have been feeling the urge to write about my story and I hope that by sharing it, I will bless someone, inspire them or just assure them that they are not alone. Just a reminder, this is my year. The year to go beyond my fears, to challenge myself and be the best that I can be. Not by my strength but by the grace and strength of God.

I cannot per se say that I had a happy childhood. At home, my parents would always compare me to my siblings. I had a love hate relationship with my siblings and many times they would gang up and beat me up. I wondered why many times and felt like the world was so unfair to me. I thought that the only person who loved me was my dad. I grew up being daddy’s little girl and would sit on his lap and he was very generally lenient to my mischievous ways. I thought my mum hated me because she would punish me often even when the culprit was my brother, the sibling that I follow. Later in life, my brothers revealed to me that they used to gang up against me because I used to be a bully. That was a great wake up call. Here I was living all these years riding on my high horse. HAHAHA.

One day, I was so upset with my mother and I told her that I didn’t choose to be brought into this world. I took all my clothes, shoes and other belongings and put them in a heap telling her I wanted nothing that had come from her. The only clothing that I had on my body was a light green blanket and somehow in my mind I thought this blanket was not bought by her. I did see her expression change, she was really hurt and had balancing tears. I did not care. I felt my emotions were more justified. What she said however caught me off guard. She asked me, ‘if you don’t want anything from me, why are you covering yourself with my blanket?’ I was embarrassed and angry at the same time but did not say anything. I still felt like my feelings were more valid than hers.

Fast forward to 2019, I’m not so close to my dad like I used to be. I discovered he was flawed and his philandering ways. I am very close to my mom and siblings. Please don’t misunderstand me, that I’m not close to my dad because of his philandering ways. Who am I to judge him yet I’m a sinner in many ways. I think the relationship changed because he didn’t invest much in our relationship. Between his work and socialising, he hardly spent time with us. My mum did bulk of the raising of the children and dad focused on paying school fees and other things. In my adulthood, dad hardly calls and many times when I call he doesn’t answer his phone. His philandering ways I do have to admit are too are close to home because they remind me of what my husband does.

To be continued…

 

The words that keep following me this year, through the text that I have been reading, conversations that I have had and podcasts that have been listening to are: Faith, Hope, Integrity, Trust, Gratitude and Confidence. Coincidentally they all tie in to the ‘New Me’ that I aspire to be in this new season.

For the longest time, I have been doubting myself and my capabilities. Life has a way of kicking you down if you let the devil steal your joy and lie to you. Your insecurities become heightened with every rejection and instead of keeping your head up and never quitting, you curl up. I intend to change that, with the help of God. This calls for me to dig up my confidence, to be confident in God and to trust in his strength alone. He reminds me that in my weakness, he is my strength.

I love writing and I started a blog some years back and could not keep up posting articles. As I continued to fail, I doubted myself even more. I felt like a quitter and not capable of keeping commitments. Self-doubt has for a while now encroached into my life, as a wife in a failing marriage, as a mother who feels I don’t measure up and even in my career. I say to myself, I will pack better lunch boxes for my son, stick to his timetable and do cool stuff but I never keep up. I think I have been too hard on myself for many years and set out to fail from the word go. I try to be perfect which is impossible to achieve as a human being.

One positive thing though, I have identified one of my problems. I have always tried to keep my household neat and clean which has led to constant exhaustion and probably robbed me quality time that I could have spent with my family. An untidy house drove me nuts. That was the old me. I have learnt to let loose to some extent. The painful reality is that your husband will still cheat if he wants to, even though your house is spick n span, his clothes are clean and folded by a neat freak. That ship has sailed.  I thought that was part of the criteria for a happy marriage. Boy was I wrong.

Let me stop digressing and tell my story. This year is all about me.  I am a great fun of Joyce Meyer and Joel Osteen and here and there my blog will be inspired by their writing and I read a lot of them. One of my new year traditions is to buy a daily devotion that will encourage me throughout the year. When I went to the book store to buy a Joyce Meyer Daily Devotion, my son picked a  journal with beautiful flowers on the cover and scripture from Romans  12: 12.   Although the journal cover focuses on hope, the full text of this scripture reads, ‘ Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction and preserve in prayer.’ The week before that the scripture in Romans 15:13 kept lingering on my mind ‘May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.’

I have been more hopeful this year. I feel as though good things are yet to come my way. An abundance of favour and blessing. Double blessing for the troubles that I have endured. I feel more confident in pursuing my dreams and pray that I maintain my integrity as I continue trying to be the best version of myself and in serving God. I thank you God that I have found this new hope. Better things are yet to come. Help me to always show gratitude for the blessings in my life and to focus on the positive.

Today, I woke up to a bright and sunny morning after a night full of rain and more rain. What a beautiful morning. It’s as if the rain washed away all the bad vibes from 2018. A clean start. A new license to create, love and be the best version of yourself. Not by your might, but by the strength of God. Without God we are nothing (John 15:5).

I decided to wear yellow and be as bright as the beautiful summer day ahead of me. I feel good about myself. I just feel beautiful and confident. Don’t mistake this for being vain. If you cannot admire God’s creation, then you are wasting your time on earth. I appreciate the beauty of God’s work, including myself. I should learn to admire and enjoy myself more often. If I don’t love myself, who will.

We were created to enjoy life and Jesus came on earth so that we may enjoy life to its fullest (John 10:10). The disclaimer in this statement, listen carefully, you are responsible for your own happiness. Not your family, spouse or friends. The only person that can stop you from enjoying your life is yourself. Watch your attitude, how you perceive things, how you react to stuff and you will greatly improve the quality of your life. Wait a minute, and don’t forget to be adventurous. Add some flavour in that beautiful life of yours. Do things differently, try out new things, challenge yourself, dream again, try to accomplish goals that were part of your new year resolution years ago. Wake up and smell the fresh flowers or coffee. Whatever tickles your nose and makes you giggle.  Be on a mission to find joy, peace and happiness and while on this journey, uplift someone else.

It a new day, new page, anything is possible. You can start again. The past is in the past. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you (Philippians 4:13).

With the start of 2019, I feel positive about my life and where it is going. It’s going to be a new season, a new beginning. I’m not going to cut my hair for a fresh start, but I will enjoy the year as it unfolds. This is the message I feel God is trying to communicate with me. Abundance, favour, life, rejuvenation, restoration, healing, joy, peace and a new love. I like the sound of that.

The sadness in my life for the last eight years due to my difficult marriage have clouded so much happiness I could have experienced. Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming my spouse. Everyone is in-charge of their own happiness. I let life and its trials hold my back, rob me of my laughter and cheerfulness and bring a lot darkness. Well, that is going to change in 2019 so help me God. I hope that I will not be afraid to fly in all areas of my life, as a child of God and the apostolic work he has put me on this earth to do and in my different roles as a daughter, wife, mother, friend and stranger.

May I constantly remind myself that God loves me, he cares for me and is always watching over me. The Mighty One, the Most Powerful in the universe thinks I’m worthy, I can do all He has in store for me through His strength, He will never leave me nor forsake me. What then should I be afraid of? This is a year for me to be free…free from all bondage and fear. To cease what I have been blessed with and fly like an eagle. To a year of victory, where I see God and he turns me tears into joy, where I receive double for me trouble, beauty for ashes.

May I strive to be faithful to God and to wait on Him. In God I trust and in you I find my refuge and strength. AMEN.

I have been having a heavy heart this last week. I keep trying to figure out what could be wrong. Is a loved one in trouble, is it hormonal, or is it depression. Maybe I have mild depression but also, I feel like the Holy Spirit is trying to warn me that something is about to happen.

This coming week, it will be my wedding anniversary…hmmh. The shocking part about it is that I have never celebrated my wedding anniversary. My husband and I are usually apart on this day and if we are together, we fight. How about that. My marriage has been one full of trials. Trials! As I write this, at the back of my mind, I’m just thinking how my husband will be on a trip this coming week. My marriage has been full of infidelity from the word go. I don’t feel like my husband’s heart is with me anymore. He shares with his mistress about his life and is always going on trips with her. The grass on that side is watered well. As for my end, being a parent is a reality…a noisy household, responsibilities and that sometimes is not fun. The other side is fun, single life and freedom. Is this freedom real or false? I know that it is false and those who feel invincible, like they can cheat with no consequences, one day will meet with God. Galatians 6:7 Make no mistake: God is not mocked, for a person will reap only what he sows. Hopefully, they will turn around and do good going forward. It’s never too late to change your wayward ways.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m am not a saint or coming into this conversation with a holier than though attitude. I am just pouring out my heart.  Where did we go wrong? Why do we give people power to break our heart? We are only human though. The only reassurance is that one day it shall stop hurting. Everything that has a beginning, has an end. Back to the anniversary story, In the last couple of weeks, I have seen couples declare their love to each other on their wedding anniversaries. Wow. I’m so happy for them that they have something genuine and that they both work on their relationship. That is not my cup. Although there have been happy moments in my marriage, many have been sad that they cloud the happy moments. The tears, the heart ache, the disrespect, all originating from the infidelity discount the happy moments.

We all long to be loved by someone and we can’t help but feel disappointed when we are hurt by the people we love. We have expectations and visualize how our model or ideal marriage should look like. Many times, we do not communicate these expectations to the other party, and they remain our expectations.

What does the future hold for me? I don’t know. I wait patiently on God to show me. If it is his will, he will remove me from this marriage, if not he will equip me to fight and come out stronger. Join me in my journey to true peace and contentment through my struggles. This is my story…

 

 

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton