Heavy heart

I have been having a heavy heart this last week. I keep trying to figure out what could be wrong. Is a loved one in trouble, is it hormonal, or is it depression. Maybe I have mild depression but also, I feel like the Holy Spirit is trying to warn me that something is about to happen.

This coming week, it will be my wedding anniversary…hmmh. The shocking part about it is that I have never celebrated my wedding anniversary. My husband and I are usually apart on this day and if we are together, we fight. How about that. My marriage has been one full of trials. Trials! As I write this, at the back of my mind, I’m just thinking how my husband will be on a trip this coming week. My marriage has been full of infidelity from the word go. I don’t feel like my husband’s heart is with me anymore. He shares with his mistress about his life and is always going on trips with her. The grass on that side is watered well. As for my end, being a parent is a reality…a noisy household, responsibilities and that sometimes is not fun. The other side is fun, single life and freedom. Is this freedom real or false? I know that it is false and those who feel invincible, like they can cheat with no consequences, one day will meet with God. Galatians 6:7 Make no mistake: God is not mocked, for a person will reap only what he sows. Hopefully, they will turn around and do good going forward. It’s never too late to change your wayward ways.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m am not a saint or coming into this conversation with a holier than though attitude. I am just pouring out my heart.  Where did we go wrong? Why do we give people power to break our heart? We are only human though. The only reassurance is that one day it shall stop hurting. Everything that has a beginning, has an end. Back to the anniversary story, In the last couple of weeks, I have seen couples declare their love to each other on their wedding anniversaries. Wow. I’m so happy for them that they have something genuine and that they both work on their relationship. That is not my cup. Although there have been happy moments in my marriage, many have been sad that they cloud the happy moments. The tears, the heart ache, the disrespect, all originating from the infidelity discount the happy moments.

We all long to be loved by someone and we can’t help but feel disappointed when we are hurt by the people we love. We have expectations and visualize how our model or ideal marriage should look like. Many times, we do not communicate these expectations to the other party, and they remain our expectations.

What does the future hold for me? I don’t know. I wait patiently on God to show me. If it is his will, he will remove me from this marriage, if not he will equip me to fight and come out stronger. Join me in my journey to true peace and contentment through my struggles. This is my story…